Decisions.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was out, and there was a light breeze.

I came home and decided I'd go for a walk around the block, as I do most pretty days. 

I put on my tennis shoes and headed out the door. 

I walked down my street. The street I've grown up on. I looked at the houses, and as I passed each one, I thought of the people who lived inside. The neighbors who I've known for years, and the ones who I've only ever seen driving by.

I thought about the colors of the front doors, and the way the driveways cracked after years of being driven over.

I thought about how people selected a brick color for their home, or why they chose the shingles that they did.

I thought about making decisions.

And how I was bad at making decisions.

I kept walking, taking the route I normally take.

Only it stopped feeling familiar. It stopped being normal.

I could feel my feet moving faster and faster.

I was running.

I couldn't figure out what I was running towards.

All I knew was that I was running.

I ran harder.

My feet hit the pavement, over and over.

I could feel my heart beating inside my chest, and I could feel my fists clenching tighter.

My brain was no longer thinking about the houses around me. 

It was focusing on the way my heart sounded inside my head. 

I thought hard about the way my breath went in and out of my lungs. 

I stopped and stood at the place where I usually have to make a decision to walk straight to continue my walk, or make the turn to go back home. 

As I stood there, the wind was cold on my cheeks. 

I could no longer hear my heart beating inside my head.

My breathing slowed.

My fists unclenched. 

I realized I wasn't running towards anything. 

Instead, I was running away from everything.

The faster I ran, the more I had to focus on what I was doing, in that moment. 

The faster I ran, the less I thought about the decisions I am being faced with.

The faster I ran, the more upset I got with myself.

I have to make decisions.

It's a major part of day to day life.

No matter how fast I run or how far I run, life's decisions will still be there when I reach my front porch.

I cannot run away from making decisions.

I have much to decide this year.

What will I do after I finish my graduate degree?

Where will I live?

Who will I vote for President?

What adventures will I go on this summer?

What will SWOSU do without me when I leave? (HA, just kidding.)

Where am I ever going to find a light pink bridesmaid dress?

What am I doing?

I constantly surround myself with people. 

I make sure the music is turned up loud in the car. 

I tweet, I Instagram, I text. 

I keep myself as busy as possible. 

But why? 

To drown out the sound of my own thoughts.  

If I can keep them hidden, if I can keep them trapped inside my own mind, I can continue to just live my life. 

I'm afraid of what will come up if I actually sit alone in the quiet, and allow God to speak to me. What if He says something I don't like? Or something that isn't in the plans

I have for myself?

Sometimes I have to come to the end of the road to realize that I cannot do this on my own.

I'm capable. I'm prepared. I'm brave. I'm strong-willed. I'm quick-witted.

But, I can't do it by myself.

I have to place my trust in the Lord.

I have to put my trust in His perfect timing.

With His help, I can make decisions.

I have to realize that there's absolutely no use running away from myself.